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I didn't want to have to look at my sad sorry face anymore. I'd look in the mirror and see my eyes and I'd want to just rip them out of my head and stomp on them.
One thing I learned pretty quick is that if you want to be punished there's always people around who are happy to do it. Not everyone, some people looked at me like I wasn't making sense at all, but those weren't my people. The one's I wanted were the ones who stayed through it all and yelled back at me and sometimes hit me and then cried with me about how fucked up we were and how we only really had each other and let's go take these bottles in so we can at least get another six pack. Those people were my people.
From here it all just looks so unnecessary. I'm not saying that it wasn't sad that I gave up Jimmy, I'm not saying that I wouldn't want it some other way with me able to give him all he needed and some people around me to give me a break sometimes. But all that guilt, all that punishing myself over and over and sinking down under the weight of my broken heart. I didn't have to do that all.
But I see how I got into that stream. How I was carried along. How I felt there was no way out.Tree